Welcome to Gardening with Amber (Season 1, Episode 1), a five-star mystery/action/lame gardening show sponsored by Doll-lightful Days TV! This episode (called: “Sorry, poor, freezing Americans”), the epic series starter, shows Amber investigating the various clues left around the garden and concluding… well, you have to watch to find out! Over to Amber.
Amber: Hello my darlings! Welcome to the garden! As you can see, I am ready to explore with my ultra-stylish gardening outfit!! By the front door we have stationed a cluster of beautiful flowers. Now, these were not found in our garden, because our garden has been pre-tty busy…
Amber: Get a load of this! We are well into our snowdrop season and have already started on the crocuses! Piece of evidence #1: flowers!
Amber travels across the front yard, hunting for clues…!
Amber: Further investigation shows that crocuses are not the only flowers that are sprouting… these hyacinths are getting a head start too! Hyacinths don’t only come in pink, but also in purple, white, etc… who knows, we soon might have a whole spectrum! Evidence #2: More flowers! Follow me, we’re off to the backyard!
In the backyard, there aren’t as many pieces of evidence, but Amber crawls through bushes to find a huge clue!
Amber: Purple isn’t the only variety crocuses come in…. yellow and white too! So pretty! Evidence #3: EVEN MORE flowers! OK, I think that’s all here. Kit, move out.
Amber pops inside for a rest and spots piece of evidence number four: store bought flowers (yaaaayyy).
Amber: If the stores are selling lots of bright flowers, that’s probably a sign too! Evidence #4: ARE THERE ANY OTHER CLUES OR ARE THEY ALL JUST FLOWERS?
Back in the studio against a completely fake backdrop, Amber changes into a less ridiculous outfit.
Amber: Have you solved the mystery yet? Let’s take a look at our evidence!
Copyright Emma Hawthorne, NOT KIT KITTREDGE
Amber: Lots of crocuses and other various flowers, store bought, or not! So from this evidence I have concluded… ready…
Amber: THERE ARE LOTS OF FLOWERS IN OUR YARD!
Collective sigh from Emma and Willow.
Well folks, that concludes it for season 1, episode 1! Buy the new, extended DVD soon with this special feature:
A Kit Kittredge production, starring the famous Willow McIntire; Cannibal Flowers! Join your favorite gardener and her short, varied and plastic companions as they discover the flowers that plan to consume the human race…
And an never-see-before animated short, How Far Can He Push The Pumpkin? (Disclosure: We know it has nothing at all to do with gardening, flowers, or the current season, but lets all pretend it does.)
Only for $49.99! Buy it now before they run out!
Director: Kit Kittredge
Starring: Amber J. Williams as Strange Unfashionable Garden Weirdo
Costumes/props: Emma Hawthorne
Set design: Willow McIntire
Alien noises in background (music): Various humani
A Doll-lightful Days production, 2014, The Netherlands
Doll-lightful Days TV
Ratings: “I have never been so bored in my life!” – John Smith, Nevada
“The worst thing the television has yet to show; building igloos is more fun than THIS!” – Eva Johnson, Antartica
“The best show I have ever had the privilege to watch!” Nobody, Ever
Copyright: Kit Kittredge
Idea: Kit Kittredge
Credit goes to: Kit Kittredge
All hail the wonderful: Kit Kittredge
“Kit, okay, that’s enough!”
Disclosure: We may or may not be illegally constructing these flowers, filming these flowers and/or commenting on these flowers. These flowers have their own freedom of speech, and we are terribly sorry if we have offended any of them.